Awareness

She walked into the conference room for our appointment with tears streaming down her face. Just 20 minutes prior she had learned that her roommate had been flirting with her best friend (a male) via Facebook. The best friend had called to tell her about it and she had witnessed on Facebook how he had flirted back. Normally this would not have bothered her but she and the best friend had decided only the weekend prior to begin dating. Now she felt that she had to compete for his attention. In the hunt that is the dating game, she had just shifted from the one empowered to choose to the one struggling to be chosen.

I found myself thinking that this was a little absurd. Here was this strong young woman who was letting something--a little drama--get her bent out of sorts. Why could she just not let it go? We talked about her best friend's perspective and how we always have a choice to let others actions control our emotions.

There is a scripture in the book of Matthew 7:3-5 that reads: Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye!"

"You hypocrite," said the voice in my mind's eye at 3:30 am the day following the story of the girl and her best friend. I sat straight up in bed!

You see, five months ago an amazing man walked into my life. I found him to be a kindred spirit--one who seems to get me somehow and one who believes in me in a way that no one else has ever seemed to by my interpretation. What a gift of friendship he has offered me! I longed to date him (and truthfully still do :)) but he has a girlfriend. He made it clear to me that he hoped we would develop a friendship and who knew what would become of that. Immediately, instead of really hearing him this awful switch went off in me. My competition button had clicked on and I was out to compete against this girlfriend to win him. I, too, had gone from being the chooser to longing to be the chosen one with that little flip of a switch. The outcome was what I view in hindsight as a display of insecurity. It was a display of emotion totally contrary to the strong and confident woman that most of you know me to be. I was flailing. I chalked it up to stress. I was after all building a new business, living with my parents and using up my savings left and right. Who wouldn't be stressed right?

And then I realized that the very thing I had thought so absurd in the young girl's story was the very thing that I was doing. I was allowing myself to be driven by events and circumstances outside of myself and beyond my control. Instead of choosing to be the strong, joyful, confident woman that I am, I chose to want something that was not mine and to try to possess another being. I realized that it was time to wake up! It was time to gain awareness. It was time to realize that I had a choice to simply accept whatever comes my way in life and trust that it is as it should be, that God is at work for our best at all times. If I could just practice that lesson, I would know peace and ultimately that seems to be what matters.

I tell you this story of my friend knowing that I run the risk that when he reads this he could push me permanently from his life. I hope for a different outcome. I hope for grace on his part and the understanding that in those first months of our friendship he has gotten to know my worst side and now I hope that he will have the patience to stick out this friendship, to be open to whatever God may intend and to get to know the best of me.

I tell you this story as a confessional moment of lesson learning that has and is bringing me to awareness.

I tell you this story in hopes that when you find yourself being tossed about by emotions elicited from the actions of others or your own for that matter, that you will stop and remember that you always have the opportunity to choose a higher and better way of being. The opportunity for us to claim love, joy and peace is always just before us. We just have to be aware enough to choose it. I hope that for you! I hope that for us all! Amen.